really? i still havent gotten anything useful back [ What about toiletries... ] guess id be needing it more now than i did in toshima but then youd have nothing to use
i dont think its that easy it doesnt matter how big or strong i am if i end up freezing up... its always been this way... theres something in my head that makes me bad at fighting ...but if you wanted to try to teach me, id listen, but i cant promise id be worth the effort
ok im already close so i'll wait for you
[And he is, looking around aimlessly near Rin's locker.]
something like that just takes time and practice even if you might freeze up when trying to fight for yourself i still think youd fight to protect someone you care about right? i know i wont be wasting my time so dont worry about that
[ Keisuke'll be waiting for a few minutes, but Rin doesn't take all that long to arrive, heading over with the usual bounce to his step and ease of movement.
It hasn't even been that long, in retrospect, but sometimes time feels oddly stretched out in this place and to Rin it almost seems like he hasn't seen Keisuke in a month with all that's happened recently.
Still, he gives him a wide, cheerful smile, lifting a hand (his bandaged one, gauze wrapped tightly around his palm) in a wave. ]
Sorry to keep you waiting~ It's good to see you in one piece, Keisuke.
[ It sounds light-hearted, but the sentiment behind the words is sincere. ]
[He's right, actually. He'd frozen up whenever it was himself that was in danger, but the second he perceived Akira as being at risk, he'd thrown himself into harm's way. That... might not be a good thing to further exacerbate, though.]
yeah youre right... i think i can fight if thats the case ok. i might hold you to that
[He doesn't really mind waiting. He ends up turning the switchblade around in his hand, tucked away in the deep pockets of his coveralls.
He looks up as Rin approaches, just as energetic as ever. Keisuke—is happy to see him restored back to his healthy, hale self, though he can't help but feel a sharp stab of guilt at the fact that he'd needed to be "restored" at all. Part of him wants to fall to his knees and apologize, and over and over, but he doesn't. It's written enough on his face, though.]
It's fine. S - Same to you, Rin.
[He pauses a moment before remembering what the main goal here was. He produces the switchblade from his pocket and offers it back to Rin, feeling like it was a small offer for everything he'd done wrong between them lately.]
[ Rin'll have it in mind to beat it into Keisuke that him getting hurt or dying wouldn't be any better - it might be hypocritical but it'll be tough love anyway.
He notices, of course, that Keisuke looks so overtly apologetic, guilty; it threatens to completely cloud over any happiness he might have in response to the both of them being relatively alright. But he chooses to disregard it, for now, rather than bringing it up himself.
Though he almost does expect Keisuke to do so, drawing them away from the reason they'd met up in the first place, but when he spots that switchblade, familiar and comforting in an odd way, Rin is distracted momentarily while he reaches out. ]
Thanks. I'll keep a hold of it for now, until I know you can handle using it without losing some fingers. [ He's teasing, really, but he'd naturally not want that to actually be a risk... Rather than simply taking the knife back, though, he lays his hand over top Keisuke's, fingers curling to hold steadfastly to the other's while the cold material presses against both their palms.
Rin gives him a searching, imploring look, tone losing humour in favour of a more serious, concerned edge. ]
After I was gone, did anything happen? Did you get grabbed or hurt or whatever else this place might've done?
[Both of them hideously underrate the value of their own lives.
Fundamentally, he disagrees. He isn't sure why the knife found its way back to him when he had only been the one it'd been lent to, not the one it belonged to, but he does feel as though it was supposed to be with Rin. Even if he taught Keisuke how to use it, how effective would it be? He still froze up in the face of conflict, the instinct to avoid so deeply written into him it was impossible to avoid.
He'll agree, though, smiling shakily and nodding. It seemed like the right thing to do, even if he'd prefer Rin keep it so he could defend himself—and Keisuke, if need be.
He freezes up as Rin's hands pause completely over his own, resting there with the closed weapon between. His heart feels like it's climbed up in his throat, making it difficult to reply, nearly impossible to swallow around (nervous reaction).]
N - No. [He looks down, still looking guilty. It's grasping at his heart with sharp claws.] I... ran into Akira, and we kept away from... [cutting off, eyes narrowing with tension fraught in the corners of them, spider-webbing as he remembers the beast that cornered them and took Rin.
He can't hold it anymore. The guilt's eroded at him and he bursts like a faulty dam.] Rin, I - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I - should've done something, anything, else to help you. I - It must've been scary, and awful, and I -
[It should've been me. The words are there, viable in his mind, bleeding with the veracity he feels in them, but he bites down on it. "...Don't say stuff like that."
His head dips, almost in a half-bow. It's an odd gesture—that sort of kowtowing had fallen out of Japanese culture, especially amongst their generation, but it's the only thing he could think to do.] And I - I owe you, so much, for doing what you did for me. I'm sorry.
[ Rin doesn't quite expect the conversation to delve into such emotion so quickly, and it's a little startling, how Keisuke seems to have bottled up this sense of guilt over what happened. He's incredulous, left struck in surprise for a while without knowing what to say in resposne. ]
Hey. [ He starts to interrupt, but stops, haltingly, Keisuke's words overriding his own because he'd been uncharacteristically quiet with that one spoken word. Rin lets him finish, barely, and his voice turns sharper, though it's clear that it isn't from actual annoyance and more from his desire to garner Keisuke's attention and make sure he's listening without a doubt. ] Hey, Keisuke.
You have nothing to apologize for. It wasn't your fault I got grabbed by that thing, and if there was anything either of us could've done to stop it from happening, trust me, I would've at least done that. [ He shakes his head, chin jerking up a moment later to move his bangs from his eyes and allow him to look directly into Keisuke's gaze without anything obscuring his vision. Perhaps it might sound like he's lecturing the other, but Rin has to make sure to get this straight between them. ]
Just me getting grabbed is better than it happening to the both of us. Besides, it wasn't scary- [ It was, to an extent, maybe more freaky than anything else, but Rin isn't going to let Keisuke in on that nor any of the details, few as they are, that he can remember about the ordeal, not when he's on a guilt trip of his own doing like this. ] I don't even remember much. Even if I did, if that thing came after us again I'd do the same thing I did last time and let myself get caught if it meant you could escape.
[ Rin squeezes Keisuke's hand for a moment, seems to deliberate over something, and then releases him from his grasp in favour of stepping forward. He closes the distance between them as Keisuke offers that semblance of a bow, and wraps his thin but deceptively strong arms around his torso, turning his head to the side as he presses it against his friend's chest. His embrace is tight, secure, and he huffs out a breath that almost sounds like a chuckle. ]
So don't be stupid and apologize, okay? I'm glad I kept you safe from whatever that thing was. I'm glad you're okay.
[Rin didn't really account for Keisuke, someone who was a little abnormally in touch with his own emotions despite how their world had deprogrammed a lot of them from stuff like that. But it was something that he had been dwelling on, something caught in his mind and digging into him periodically across the hours, the ones that he had spent in the classroom with Akira, waiting for the night to pass, and all the rest between then and now. Like always, he felt the need to apologize for his own shortcomings—even the ones he couldn't control, or perhaps only he perceived as being there at all.
Eventually he does rattle to a halt, though, looking at Rin with slightly misty eyes, drawn taut around the edges with pain and grief and guilt. He's hesitant at first, wary of what Rin might say, but—it's so strange to hear it out of someone's mouth, that it's not his fault. It's something he struggles actively to accept. It's always been his fault, his shortcomings, his mistakes. This place has helped him through some of that but not all of it.
All he ends up thinking is how—strong Rin is. He's gone through all of this, come back, and here he is, trying to make Keisuke feel better about it. It rolls right back around to make him feel guilty, that even in this he's being cared for. Something that would apparently repeat itself, even when Keisuke wished so much it wouldn't.
He doesn't feel like he's worth it. He probably never will.
He looks down, lips barely moving to give breath to,] you don't have to. [But he blinks, eyes fixing on their hands at the increased pressure there, stuck in the moment between breaths when Rin decides to relinquish him for just a second in exchange for wrapping his arms around Keisuke's chest.
He freezes—for a good, long second. His arms half-raised, suspended by his sides, eyes a bit wide and surprised. Keisuke's definitely not used to stuff like this, not with anyone. At first he's a bit panicked, unsure of what to do, but... it's comforting. The warm bloom of breath that he can feel as Rin laughs before speaking, continuing to fight to assuage his fears and doubts and guilt.
He's so unused to someone doing something like that for him. That's why he's unsure—for just a moment longer.
And then he, with just a touch of hesitation, returns the gesture, arms encircling around Rin's shoulders to hug him back. It's a bit ironic; Rin's small but deceptively strong, and, in opposition, strong-statured Keisuke's embrace is oddly gentle, as if softly handling something fragile. Not Rin, as he knows he guy can handle himself much better than he ever could, but... perhaps what Rin was offering to him.
His words are all tangled up in his throat, so all he can do is nod, the movement of his chin brushing past the crown of Rin's head. Hopefully he recognizes that.
A beat. A bit hoarsely:] ...Okay. [I'm sorry. A bit more solid:] Okay - I won't.
[ It's unfair. It's unfair and it's selfish but despite the fact that Rin knows Keisuke is riddled with that guilt he doesn't find himself faltering in his decision even an ounce. He'd rather get taken, he'd rather protect him, rather the other be the one handling such guilt, than have it be the opposite. He has enough of that on his shoulders as it is, his inability to save people he cares for in the past hanging onto him like weights, dragging him down and threatening to overwhelm him entirely.
He really doesn't know how much more of that he'd be able to manage.
Rin doesn't have much expectation when it comes to his own impulsive move, and wouldn't have been that bothered by Keisuke not returning the hold (so long as he wasn't pushed away instead). It, most definitely, is a lot more pleasing to have those arms curling around him though, and he smiles against the fabric of his clothes before he can help it. It's strange, how something like this could be... relieving, to him, when the purpose of it had been to help the other feel better. ]
Yeah, I don't have to, but I'm going to. Don't you try convincing me to not want to protect you when I can. [ His tone is chastising, but exasperated as he rubs his face against Keisuke's chest, nuzzling against him for a moment as he breathes in and tries to regain composure. When he pulls away, it isn't far, but it's enough that he can give his friend a wide smile, warm and as at ease as it usually is. He's fine. He's here, in one piece, and he's fine. Nothing to worry about or feel guilty for, see?
(Though Rin knows, far too well, that Keisuke isn't going to stop feeling guilty about it so easily - but the least he can do, and maybe only thing he really can, is convince him that he doesn't hold anything against him.)
He leans further away, hands sliding around so that he can thump his free one against Keisuke's chest, patting him reassuringly. ] Next time I'll have the knife thanks to you. Don't know how much good it'll do against creepy tentacles but- [ A carefree shrug. ] -we'll worry about that when it happens.
[There would be no clear solution, no proper winner to this conundrum. Neither of them had proper value of their own lives to achieve something like that, both so perfectly willing to leap in between someone else and a bullet that they ended up at a crossroads. Keisuke, frustratingly enough, feels as though he has more of a reason to. Rin is useful in situations where he is not. He's quick, clever, strong, amiable, and he could handle more than his own in a fight. Keisuke, by his own comparison, was bumbling and troublesome, never able to properly defend himself, so he was only ever a liability.
It made him want to yell in frustration, that this keeps happening. It was agonizing. How many times would people get hurt because of him? Whether it was Rin, eyes gentle and voice soft in saying this was his decision, or Akira, shrugging it off in that nonchalant way he did, it still hurt. It was a constant reminder of his own shortcomings, reflected in trouble on those he cared for.
It's a tangled web of emotions he's got, all snarled up in the space between his heart and his throat. He swallows with some difficulty, fearing a scratchiness in his voice, first nodding into the crown of Rin's head at his response. Perhaps he should've been embarrassed at how Rin nuzzles into him, like an animal affectionately into the palm of an owner, but he doesn't repudiate it.] ...Okay. [It was all he could give. An affirmative, trying to acknowledge and appreciate, even though what Rin had given him—an affirmation of caring enough to risk himself—was something Keisuke felt guilty in taking.
They separate, albeit slightly, but enough room for Keisuke to be partially blinded by Rin's bright smile. He wonders, for a half-second, if that's the whole story of it. But he accepts it at face value, thinking he owed that to him.
Rin's fist makes a resounding sound against his chest, deep, like a beat against a drum. He looks down to where it rests, a belated smile etching itself across his face, and he looks back to Rin. He gives a single, rough laugh.] If there's anyone who can fight against those things with just a knife, it'd be you, right? [He reaches up to tap his own knuckles against Rin's chest, knowing that, despite how thin the guy was, he was solid, tough.]
Yeah. We'll - cross that bridge when we get there.
[Knowing this place, it would be sooner than he would want. But, for now -]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
TEXT: sept 14
were you still really wanting a weapon?
[Guess who just found that switchblade you lent him in his locker...]
no subject
a real weapon
using pieces of glass isnt working out all that well
[ Hello slicing open your own palm on accident... ]
did you find something?
no subject
remember that knife you let me borrow?
i found it in my locker... its yours, so you can have it back if you want
no subject
i still havent gotten anything useful back [ What about toiletries... ]
guess id be needing it more now than i did in toshima but
then youd have nothing to use
no subject
its not like i can use it very well right now anyway...
its going to be of more use if its in your hands
want to meet up? i can go to your locker
no subject
you should learn
youre strong but you need some better skills to be able to fight well
why dont i teach you how to use a knife?
yeah sure
ill meet you there in a sec
no subject
it doesnt matter how big or strong i am if i end up freezing up...
its always been this way... theres something in my head that makes me bad at fighting
...but if you wanted to try to teach me, id listen, but i cant promise id be worth the effort
ok
im already close so i'll wait for you
[And he is, looking around aimlessly near Rin's locker.]
no subject
even if you might freeze up when trying to fight for yourself
i still think youd fight to protect someone you care about right?
i know i wont be wasting my time so dont worry about that
[ Keisuke'll be waiting for a few minutes, but Rin doesn't take all that long to arrive, heading over with the usual bounce to his step and ease of movement.
It hasn't even been that long, in retrospect, but sometimes time feels oddly stretched out in this place and to Rin it almost seems like he hasn't seen Keisuke in a month with all that's happened recently.
Still, he gives him a wide, cheerful smile, lifting a hand (his bandaged one, gauze wrapped tightly around his palm) in a wave. ]
Sorry to keep you waiting~ It's good to see you in one piece, Keisuke.
[ It sounds light-hearted, but the sentiment behind the words is sincere. ]
no subject
yeah youre right... i think i can fight if thats the case
ok. i might hold you to that
[He doesn't really mind waiting. He ends up turning the switchblade around in his hand, tucked away in the deep pockets of his coveralls.
He looks up as Rin approaches, just as energetic as ever. Keisuke—is happy to see him restored back to his healthy, hale self, though he can't help but feel a sharp stab of guilt at the fact that he'd needed to be "restored" at all. Part of him wants to fall to his knees and apologize, and over and over, but he doesn't. It's written enough on his face, though.]
It's fine. S - Same to you, Rin.
[He pauses a moment before remembering what the main goal here was. He produces the switchblade from his pocket and offers it back to Rin, feeling like it was a small offer for everything he'd done wrong between them lately.]
Here. It's yours after all.
no subject
He notices, of course, that Keisuke looks so overtly apologetic, guilty; it threatens to completely cloud over any happiness he might have in response to the both of them being relatively alright. But he chooses to disregard it, for now, rather than bringing it up himself.
Though he almost does expect Keisuke to do so, drawing them away from the reason they'd met up in the first place, but when he spots that switchblade, familiar and comforting in an odd way, Rin is distracted momentarily while he reaches out. ]
Thanks. I'll keep a hold of it for now, until I know you can handle using it without losing some fingers. [ He's teasing, really, but he'd naturally not want that to actually be a risk... Rather than simply taking the knife back, though, he lays his hand over top Keisuke's, fingers curling to hold steadfastly to the other's while the cold material presses against both their palms.
Rin gives him a searching, imploring look, tone losing humour in favour of a more serious, concerned edge. ]
After I was gone, did anything happen? Did you get grabbed or hurt or whatever else this place might've done?
no subject
Fundamentally, he disagrees. He isn't sure why the knife found its way back to him when he had only been the one it'd been lent to, not the one it belonged to, but he does feel as though it was supposed to be with Rin. Even if he taught Keisuke how to use it, how effective would it be? He still froze up in the face of conflict, the instinct to avoid so deeply written into him it was impossible to avoid.
He'll agree, though, smiling shakily and nodding. It seemed like the right thing to do, even if he'd prefer Rin keep it so he could defend himself—and Keisuke, if need be.
He freezes up as Rin's hands pause completely over his own, resting there with the closed weapon between. His heart feels like it's climbed up in his throat, making it difficult to reply, nearly impossible to swallow around (nervous reaction).]
N - No. [He looks down, still looking guilty. It's grasping at his heart with sharp claws.] I... ran into Akira, and we kept away from... [cutting off, eyes narrowing with tension fraught in the corners of them, spider-webbing as he remembers the beast that cornered them and took Rin.
He can't hold it anymore. The guilt's eroded at him and he bursts like a faulty dam.] Rin, I - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I - should've done something, anything, else to help you. I - It must've been scary, and awful, and I -
[It should've been me. The words are there, viable in his mind, bleeding with the veracity he feels in them, but he bites down on it. "...Don't say stuff like that."
His head dips, almost in a half-bow. It's an odd gesture—that sort of kowtowing had fallen out of Japanese culture, especially amongst their generation, but it's the only thing he could think to do.] And I - I owe you, so much, for doing what you did for me. I'm sorry.
no subject
Hey. [ He starts to interrupt, but stops, haltingly, Keisuke's words overriding his own because he'd been uncharacteristically quiet with that one spoken word. Rin lets him finish, barely, and his voice turns sharper, though it's clear that it isn't from actual annoyance and more from his desire to garner Keisuke's attention and make sure he's listening without a doubt. ] Hey, Keisuke.
You have nothing to apologize for. It wasn't your fault I got grabbed by that thing, and if there was anything either of us could've done to stop it from happening, trust me, I would've at least done that. [ He shakes his head, chin jerking up a moment later to move his bangs from his eyes and allow him to look directly into Keisuke's gaze without anything obscuring his vision. Perhaps it might sound like he's lecturing the other, but Rin has to make sure to get this straight between them. ]
Just me getting grabbed is better than it happening to the both of us. Besides, it wasn't scary- [ It was, to an extent, maybe more freaky than anything else, but Rin isn't going to let Keisuke in on that nor any of the details, few as they are, that he can remember about the ordeal, not when he's on a guilt trip of his own doing like this. ] I don't even remember much. Even if I did, if that thing came after us again I'd do the same thing I did last time and let myself get caught if it meant you could escape.
[ Rin squeezes Keisuke's hand for a moment, seems to deliberate over something, and then releases him from his grasp in favour of stepping forward. He closes the distance between them as Keisuke offers that semblance of a bow, and wraps his thin but deceptively strong arms around his torso, turning his head to the side as he presses it against his friend's chest. His embrace is tight, secure, and he huffs out a breath that almost sounds like a chuckle. ]
So don't be stupid and apologize, okay? I'm glad I kept you safe from whatever that thing was. I'm glad you're okay.
no subject
Eventually he does rattle to a halt, though, looking at Rin with slightly misty eyes, drawn taut around the edges with pain and grief and guilt. He's hesitant at first, wary of what Rin might say, but—it's so strange to hear it out of someone's mouth, that it's not his fault. It's something he struggles actively to accept. It's always been his fault, his shortcomings, his mistakes. This place has helped him through some of that but not all of it.
All he ends up thinking is how—strong Rin is. He's gone through all of this, come back, and here he is, trying to make Keisuke feel better about it. It rolls right back around to make him feel guilty, that even in this he's being cared for. Something that would apparently repeat itself, even when Keisuke wished so much it wouldn't.
He doesn't feel like he's worth it. He probably never will.
He looks down, lips barely moving to give breath to,] you don't have to. [But he blinks, eyes fixing on their hands at the increased pressure there, stuck in the moment between breaths when Rin decides to relinquish him for just a second in exchange for wrapping his arms around Keisuke's chest.
He freezes—for a good, long second. His arms half-raised, suspended by his sides, eyes a bit wide and surprised. Keisuke's definitely not used to stuff like this, not with anyone. At first he's a bit panicked, unsure of what to do, but... it's comforting. The warm bloom of breath that he can feel as Rin laughs before speaking, continuing to fight to assuage his fears and doubts and guilt.
He's so unused to someone doing something like that for him. That's why he's unsure—for just a moment longer.
And then he, with just a touch of hesitation, returns the gesture, arms encircling around Rin's shoulders to hug him back. It's a bit ironic; Rin's small but deceptively strong, and, in opposition, strong-statured Keisuke's embrace is oddly gentle, as if softly handling something fragile. Not Rin, as he knows he guy can handle himself much better than he ever could, but... perhaps what Rin was offering to him.
His words are all tangled up in his throat, so all he can do is nod, the movement of his chin brushing past the crown of Rin's head. Hopefully he recognizes that.
A beat. A bit hoarsely:] ...Okay. [I'm sorry. A bit more solid:] Okay - I won't.
[I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.]
no subject
He really doesn't know how much more of that he'd be able to manage.
Rin doesn't have much expectation when it comes to his own impulsive move, and wouldn't have been that bothered by Keisuke not returning the hold (so long as he wasn't pushed away instead). It, most definitely, is a lot more pleasing to have those arms curling around him though, and he smiles against the fabric of his clothes before he can help it. It's strange, how something like this could be... relieving, to him, when the purpose of it had been to help the other feel better. ]
Yeah, I don't have to, but I'm going to. Don't you try convincing me to not want to protect you when I can. [ His tone is chastising, but exasperated as he rubs his face against Keisuke's chest, nuzzling against him for a moment as he breathes in and tries to regain composure. When he pulls away, it isn't far, but it's enough that he can give his friend a wide smile, warm and as at ease as it usually is. He's fine. He's here, in one piece, and he's fine. Nothing to worry about or feel guilty for, see?
(Though Rin knows, far too well, that Keisuke isn't going to stop feeling guilty about it so easily - but the least he can do, and maybe only thing he really can, is convince him that he doesn't hold anything against him.)
He leans further away, hands sliding around so that he can thump his free one against Keisuke's chest, patting him reassuringly. ] Next time I'll have the knife thanks to you. Don't know how much good it'll do against creepy tentacles but- [ A carefree shrug. ] -we'll worry about that when it happens.
no subject
It made him want to yell in frustration, that this keeps happening. It was agonizing. How many times would people get hurt because of him? Whether it was Rin, eyes gentle and voice soft in saying this was his decision, or Akira, shrugging it off in that nonchalant way he did, it still hurt. It was a constant reminder of his own shortcomings, reflected in trouble on those he cared for.
It's a tangled web of emotions he's got, all snarled up in the space between his heart and his throat. He swallows with some difficulty, fearing a scratchiness in his voice, first nodding into the crown of Rin's head at his response. Perhaps he should've been embarrassed at how Rin nuzzles into him, like an animal affectionately into the palm of an owner, but he doesn't repudiate it.] ...Okay. [It was all he could give. An affirmative, trying to acknowledge and appreciate, even though what Rin had given him—an affirmation of caring enough to risk himself—was something Keisuke felt guilty in taking.
They separate, albeit slightly, but enough room for Keisuke to be partially blinded by Rin's bright smile. He wonders, for a half-second, if that's the whole story of it. But he accepts it at face value, thinking he owed that to him.
Rin's fist makes a resounding sound against his chest, deep, like a beat against a drum. He looks down to where it rests, a belated smile etching itself across his face, and he looks back to Rin. He gives a single, rough laugh.] If there's anyone who can fight against those things with just a knife, it'd be you, right? [He reaches up to tap his own knuckles against Rin's chest, knowing that, despite how thin the guy was, he was solid, tough.]
Yeah. We'll - cross that bridge when we get there.
[Knowing this place, it would be sooner than he would want. But, for now -]